Wow.

You know those scenes in movies where someone falls asleep in public and when they wakeup, they have pen or something on their face? They walk around and everyone points and laughs and the character is TOTALLY oblivious and you squirm in your seat because it's so embarrassing for them that it's uncomfortable for you? I am that person with some kind of mark on their face. These last couple years I have been utterly blind to what the rest of the world could see. They always say "love makes you blind" but I never thought it was possible. Never thought I could be so clueless. Such a fool.

Perhaps my pride is welling up.

Truly...it has been one of those nights. More dirt fell into my lap and I just want to wash it all away.

(That sentence is deeper than it sounds.)

Oh Lord...understanding why You've chose THIS specific trial for me to go through...I will never understand. I see the growth that has come, the closeness, the maturity, but I will never know why You didn't use something different. Your ways are definitely not my ways. But I know that You never make mistakes and that You've promised to use this hurt for my good and You NEVER break Your promises. Help me to trust You. You're the only one I can trust...

Reality is Rough

I've been extremely busy lately with awesome fellowship (yay!) but mostly due to goodbye parties (boo.) and while I'm so thankful for all the amazing people I've gotten to catch up with...there's a super bittersweet twist to it all. During this period of struggle, being out and busy is one of the best things for me because it helps me not to dwell on the painful situation I cannot change, but I also have to tell the truth about my new reality.

Being open and honest with people is such a sigh of relief because then the truth is FINALLY out there, but telling them...that's the hard part. Just saying the two little words that sum up my life right now bring on the waterworks and ugh. It's super lame. I've done nothing wrong and have no reason to feel guilty or anything but the tears come because I'm hurt. So at all these functions when people ask about how I'm doing and where's so and so...it's not like I can just bust out with my whole life drama and bawl. I end up telling a half truth. Leaving out the super painful part.

It's not that I'm trying to hide what's going on, I'm just trying to be wise about when and where I divulge my new reality. Like breaking down in the middle of random goodbye parties in front of half of whom I don't even know...yeah...not the place. Slowly but surely I'm taking people aside, meeting up one on one, and I'm letting people know the truth. I'm not about to put my life on blast on here either, but, as I said in my last post, prayer would be MUCH appreciated. If anyone does have any questions or anything, feel free to email me or call. I really do hope to tell everyone what's going on, I am simply trying to be wise about it all. Thanks for all the support and love :)

Where to begin...

You know how you pray for something that you want with all your heart, asking God to perform miracles only He can perform? Yet at the end of it you pray that His will be done because He is the one with wisdom and who is all knowing? And after all that you ask Him for the strength to trust and endure in the case that He does require you to go through the rough patch? Yeah...

Last week, after years of praying for a miracle, the Lord made it clear what His will was. His word undeniably laid out what God wanted me to do in my current complicated situation. While knowing, without a doubt, what God wants you to do should be a joyous moment after wondering for so long...it was in reality, the hardest thing I ever had to do thus far in this life. I knew what God told me to do, I knew it was what I had to do, and it was the last thing I ever wanted to do...because it ripped my world completely to shreds.

I prayed for courage to do the Lord's will like I've never prayed before and I honestly was not sure if I would have the strength to do what God had said. It makes me think of David and Goliath. David was so small, so young, so unequal in strength to Goliath...wasn't battle worn, carried no powerful sword. Imagine God calling you to fight a a huge experienced literal giant and all you have is a couple of stones. I'd be shaking in my boots, half walking towards the battle and half trying to figure out how to escape. This is how I felt last week. Dreading the moment where I'd have to carry out His will. But just as David faced up to Goliath, I faced up to my "giant" as well...and just like David, it had absolutely nothing to do with my strength...it was all God.

This event in David's life ended in great victory and this is where our stories differ. I knew that by facing my metaphorical giant, that it either meant great victory and joy or great pain and consequences (hence the fear in the first place). Sadly, it wasn't tears of joy that rolled down my cheeks.

Yet despite all the pain and fear and unknown and the overwhelming reality of everything...I felt like a monumentous burden had been lifted off my back. A load that I wasn't even aware I was stumbling under. That unexplainable peace? That flooded in too. In the face of everything going wrong by the world's definition, and while I was in an immense amount of emotional agony, I felt peace pouring into my soul like a rushing waterfall. Why? How? Because I had followed God's command. Even though I didn't want to, even though I knew it would cause my world to come crashing to the ground, God gave me the courage to do His will, just like He promised and He gave me His unexplainable peace, just like He promised.

I wish I could end this story with a cheerful ending...but alas...I cannot. But have hope! For this story does not yet have an ending and as I stated in the beginning, we serve a God who does miracles when He deems them appropriate and He may choose to bestow His mercy upon this situation still. In the meantime, though my heart is aching as its never ached before...though my day to day life is more unknown and unpredictable than ever before...and though I do not know where the Lord may lead me next...be encouraged!

God gave me the courage to do His will, regardless of the outcome. He gave me such a perfect peace despite being thrown about in an emotional storm. Even now as I lose my mind in limbo, HE IS THERE! Oh how He is growing and stretching me! How much more I trust Him and lean on Him each day! And how He blesses me! I have wise biblical counsel at my disposal, a church that preaches the truth and encourages, friends and family who are there for me not only by phone, or by person, but spiritually and financially. I have people spending time with me, helping with the kids, cooking me meals, being a phone call away, encouraging me in the word, PRAYING for me...the list goes on and on.

BE ENCOURAGED for the Lord will not foraske you. Doing His will may cause the world to turn it's back on you but God is there and He will give you the boldness, the strength, the peace, and encouragement and fellowship you need. He truly does supply all of our needs and much much more!

I am still hurting and the battle is raging minute by minute but I have hope because I know who my God is and I know He is with me. I still pray for the miracle but I know that the Lord will take care of me and my girls no matter what. What an AWESOME God we serve.

It's insane how weak I can be but how strong God can make me...

When you are submerged in the murky and frightening depths of a trial...wow. I mean, Ialways seem to find myself in a constant battle from minute to minute, hour to hour. One minute I am trusting in the Lord despite my overwhelming circumstances and I have this crazy unexplainable peace and then BAM! I'm back to feeling my hands slip, my grip disappearing and the fear of falling into a deep black pit of depression below me. (Right now I'm in the weird but TOTALLY welcomed peaceful state).

What stops me dead in my tracks is the fact that God cares so much. It's like I'm a little child learning how to do something new and God is like "Okay Martel, now trust me. Do it just like this. Perfect!" and I'm doing great and then I get distracted and try and do it my own way and fall completely flat on my face. But my loving Father is like, "That's alright, you're growing, okay let me show you again. There you go!". Seriously...that's my day. When I'm at peace, it's when I finally give it to God and stop trying to control/predict my world and future. When I'm gasping for air and about to give up...that's when I made the decision (usually without realizing it) to do it on my own without God.

I WISH I could always do exactly as God tells me. I WISH I could trust and follow Him perfectly. It's like I KNOW what I am supposed to be doing but when all these random objects come flying at me, I get confused and distracted and lose sight of Him.

I don't know if this is making any sense (I'm pretty much just rambling) but my point is this: REPEATEDLY God shows me how I weak I am without Him and how strong I can be with Him. And I am in awe. I am sooooooooooo incredibly, pitifully, digustingly weak. You could walk up to me and poke me with your teeny tiny pinky finger and I would go flying type of WEAK. But with the Lord...I can withstand any storm. When I allow Him to help me...I am blown away by how strong I can be and I KNOW it's not anything that has to do with me.

I guess...I am simply THANKFUL for God always being there to help me if I ask. Without Him...man. Without Him I wouldn't even be here right now. Maybe this will help keep me focused the next time I get distracted...remind me to just ASK GOD. Yeah...I don't deserve a Father like this...none of us do...but how blessed are we that He loves us anyway?!

Darkened days...

"O Lord, all my longing is before You; my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me." Psalm 38:9-10

I have gotten caught up in the midst of yet another storm and to say the least, it hurts. However, God is in control. He is in control and these trials are not random but wisely and specifically chosen for me to go through. I will only come out stronger in the Lord...I just need to trust in Him to carry me through. ALL things are possible with Him therefore I will NOT give up.

If anyone reads this still (I have gone missing in action for quite awhile) please pray for me and my family.