It's insane how weak I can be but how strong God can make me...

When you are submerged in the murky and frightening depths of a trial...wow. I mean, Ialways seem to find myself in a constant battle from minute to minute, hour to hour. One minute I am trusting in the Lord despite my overwhelming circumstances and I have this crazy unexplainable peace and then BAM! I'm back to feeling my hands slip, my grip disappearing and the fear of falling into a deep black pit of depression below me. (Right now I'm in the weird but TOTALLY welcomed peaceful state).

What stops me dead in my tracks is the fact that God cares so much. It's like I'm a little child learning how to do something new and God is like "Okay Martel, now trust me. Do it just like this. Perfect!" and I'm doing great and then I get distracted and try and do it my own way and fall completely flat on my face. But my loving Father is like, "That's alright, you're growing, okay let me show you again. There you go!". Seriously...that's my day. When I'm at peace, it's when I finally give it to God and stop trying to control/predict my world and future. When I'm gasping for air and about to give up...that's when I made the decision (usually without realizing it) to do it on my own without God.

I WISH I could always do exactly as God tells me. I WISH I could trust and follow Him perfectly. It's like I KNOW what I am supposed to be doing but when all these random objects come flying at me, I get confused and distracted and lose sight of Him.

I don't know if this is making any sense (I'm pretty much just rambling) but my point is this: REPEATEDLY God shows me how I weak I am without Him and how strong I can be with Him. And I am in awe. I am sooooooooooo incredibly, pitifully, digustingly weak. You could walk up to me and poke me with your teeny tiny pinky finger and I would go flying type of WEAK. But with the Lord...I can withstand any storm. When I allow Him to help me...I am blown away by how strong I can be and I KNOW it's not anything that has to do with me.

I guess...I am simply THANKFUL for God always being there to help me if I ask. Without Him...man. Without Him I wouldn't even be here right now. Maybe this will help keep me focused the next time I get distracted...remind me to just ASK GOD. Yeah...I don't deserve a Father like this...none of us do...but how blessed are we that He loves us anyway?!

Darkened days...

"O Lord, all my longing is before You; my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes--it also has gone from me." Psalm 38:9-10

I have gotten caught up in the midst of yet another storm and to say the least, it hurts. However, God is in control. He is in control and these trials are not random but wisely and specifically chosen for me to go through. I will only come out stronger in the Lord...I just need to trust in Him to carry me through. ALL things are possible with Him therefore I will NOT give up.

If anyone reads this still (I have gone missing in action for quite awhile) please pray for me and my family.